簡簡單單

怎辦…
那個不想回家的我又回來了…

今天和朋友出門了…
要回家的時候，突然有了這個念頭…
我不想要一個人…
我會胡思亂想…
但我不想看到別人…
因爲我會懶得去理會他人…

我是怎麼了？
到底怎麼了？
煩、煩、煩…

爲什麽我會覺得我臉上的笑容可以在瞬間消失…

現在我會笑，是因爲真正快樂嗎？

能不能就回到5年前…
當一切還未開始，
當一切還能挽救…

能不能，就讓時間重來？


有些事複雜到不行，越想越生氣，腦袋空空比較開心…

ArghhHh!
I'm Super Pissed!

Patronized Old Chang Kee at CP…

Me: How much?
Auntie: You should know how much, just minus 20 cents off the bill.
Me: I don't even know how much?!
Auntie: That cost 1.50.. Minus 20 cents is 1.30..

HELLO! TMD! Y SHOULD I knw the price if the price tag was blocked?!
If not of the long queue behind, I would’ve complained right on the spot.
Felt d*mn insulted! u think I cant work on maths?

Why aunties don't know what is service?

That time went Chinatown and buy felt cloth..
Another auntie asked me to look at the felt myself.
Insisted that I wanna see the catalog.
Thought she would take for me, in the end, she went off and served another customer!!!
ArGHhH!
Another sales saw my "bu shuang"'s face and offered her help.
She brought me to the same place to look at the felt cloth, but this time round, she help me move some felt cloth away, and the colour i wanted "revealed"
In other words, I won't be able to see that colour if I were to look at it myself~

And yesterday, went breadtalk to look at the cakes.
Asked her if there is a 4kg one for a few cakes, she was like, should be don't have..
Then another one came and rush me to place an order, without even telling me the price...
Her tone was not very good..
(They are not aunties, but foreigners)

Why do I have to bear with all these services recently?
)_$*(#&$*@&(W

5年前，我哭泣了…
但淚水流是因爲難過…

5年后，我哭泣了…
因爲我的心真的痛了…

後知後覺的我，過了5年，
才懂什麼叫心痛…
才體會那時候她想離開的心情…
因爲，我也好想，就這樣離開了…

我想重新再來過…
沒有5年前的那記憶…
沒有5年前的那件事…

但任誰，都無法讓時間到轉…
發生的事情，我們只能學習釋懷…

常常叫人別想那麼多…
但我知道，她辦不到的…
因爲，我也一樣，辦不到…

我知道她的痛，
但我努力去忽視她的傷…
以爲這樣就能當作一切從未發生過…
在逃避的或許是我自己…

我不想去觸碰那記憶…
以爲我可以就此釋懷…
但現實總是事與願違…

無論我怎逃，怎躲…
發生的事情，無法改變，無法忘記…
就算我離開這裡，重新開始…
記憶還是不會消失…

沒有辦法磨滅的一切，
將會隨我過這一輩子…
一輩子的傷，我能承受多久？

我真的好想好想，
把那段記憶刪除…
我真的好想好想，
把一切都給忘了…
我真的好想好想，
好想好想…

我討厭這段記憶…
討厭得想到，我都覺得羞愧…
討厭得想到，我都覺得噁心…
討厭得我真的想把它抛開…
現在的我，真的好痛好痛，好苦好苦…

它就像是我生命的一個污點…
本來七彩的人生，因它變得暗淡…

我該看開…
我該釋懷…
我辦不到…

放任自己，讓自己哭了 1/2小時…
哭累了，就睡了，
以爲醒來后的，會是快樂的…

並沒有…

我還是想哭…
我還是好累…
我還是想走…

當淚水決堤的時候…
止不住，無法停止…
好不容易停止的淚水…
又會忍不住流了下來…

紙巾用了一張又一張，
卻仍無法把眼淚擦干…

好想、好想、讓她知道，
並不是只有她在難過，
讓他知道，有人跟她一樣…

但我不能，説了，就等於再見…

所以我只能選擇 [ 假裝看不見 ]
讓她一個人承受那種痛的我，
會不會太自私？

我不希望就這樣説再見…

曾經讓我引以爲傲的人…
爲什麽如今卻讓我覺得…
如此的羞愧如此的噁心…

再也找不回來了…
剩下的只有回憶…

我還能堅持多久……

放心，我不會想不開…
我不想讓活著的人跟我一樣，
每天以淚洗臉，
每天活在懷念之中…
那滋味並不好過…

前提是，有人會在乎…

因爲現在的我，只剩下回憶了…
爲什麽，那是後沒機會一起出國？
就算今後要出，那感覺，已經不再了…
不再了…

我們都試著努力過，
試著回到從前…
可惜，時間不等人…
回不到的過去…
失去的，不能重來了…

如果時間可以重來，
能不能夠重新再來…

幾天來天下來，
我努力學著堅強…
可惜，我並不堅強…
就連強顏歡笑都好難…
淚還是會禁不住往下流…

忽然想起，卓文萱，一首歌的歌詞： 腦袋空空比較開心…


I think I need a full day off... All by myself...
I need sometime to settle myself down...
I can't seem to control my tears anymore...
Not anymore...

I have to keep myself busy,
Be it reading or chatting...
I have to...

If not, tears will just flow down...
Unknowingly...

Seems like i have gone back to that time..
Where I cried through the day, cried through the night...



PS: to 另一個人 -
你發現了嗎？我們之間的距離越來越遠了…
好想從你口中聽到一些些的安慰…
可惜，並不可能…

心血來潮，重拾起中學時候很喜歡讀的一本小説：晴天娃娃…
我不知道當時爲什麽那麽喜歡它，但已經從圖書館借了一次又一次了…

或許是男女之間那種曖昧吸引著我吧~

[ 好累了，曾經把暗戀單純的欣賞當成遊戲，
製造偶然的巧遇，滿足自己；
把有關他的東西保存得小心翼翼；
將他溫柔的語氣解釋成愛自己的證據；
躲躲藏藏地抱保護自己，還是敵不過事實 -- 他終究不愛我。
心情陷入了憂鬱的無底洞 ]

重新讀了之後，忽然，發現了那麽一段，
奇怪，爲什麽那時候我會愛讀這個？
而且還寫了那樣的歌詞：忘記 （http://idiotgurl.blog77.fc2.com/blog-entry-342.html）

感覺，這些就好像是在預言我現在的心情…
我只不過在給巧合一些存在的理由…
我還在期待嗎？
什麽時候才能停止自怨自艾？

最近也喜歡上一首的歌詞 by 泳兒的。
猜猜？下次再放上來…

====

Went K with colleagues @ Suntec Again!!!
New K-member: Allvina~
Everytime when there is "new member", you will hear new genre without fail..
This time round, more Ah Mei's and Faye's song~

I wanna go K-student! When was the last time that I have gone for K-student? AHhH~
I wanna go Ksuites!!! Seems niceeee~~

Anyway, I'm here to talk about this staff..
一臉ah beng face~
We ordered: Ice Lemon Tea and Ice Tea...
He asked: so you want your ice lemon tea and ice tea to be hot or cold?
PLEASEEEEEE! we said ICE....

The order came in (another person bringing it in), Ice Tea become Ice Green Tea.
Told the person that I ordered Ice Red Tea, not Ice Green Tea..
That Ah Beng rush in with an ah beng's posture and tone:
You told me you want Ice Tea right? Our Ice Tea = Ice Green Tea, there is no Ice Red Tea.

Shooing the menu to me, he asked me with an even more angry tone: show me what is the drink u want to order!

I give up and said: what I want is the Ice Lemon Tea but I don't want the Lemon.

Him: So you mean you want Ice Lemon Tea without Lemon?

Me: Ya........

Faint! Who the hell on earth will order in such a way?!
Will you tell the chicken rice stall uncle:
I want Chicken Rice without Chicken?!

PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

He bu shang me, I bu shuang him.
So when we walked by him, he should say thank you.
But I can see his face turning away from me and use his "back" to say thank you.
Idiot!
Well, I did not reply, did not even give a smile.

Wanna say I don't want to go Suntec Kbox again!
But I can't..
Because, only there, there is thise "no cover charge" promotion...

Idiot.......


Without fail, you will appear in my thoughts during k sessions....
Maybe iit's just the songs I chose...

不知不覺，又突然不想講話了…
不知不覺，眼淚又和我説哈囖…
不知不覺，真的，沒預警，就這樣，哭了…

這一次，我真的真的不知道爲什麽我會哭…
不是因爲他她它，不是因爲工作…
淚水到底是爲了什麽而流…
我到底爲了什麽在難過…
我到底怎麽了？

有沒有人曾經跟我一樣，無緣無故就哭了？

曾經承諾過自己要放棄你…
但卻從來沒有一次兌現過…

曾經以爲自己已經忘了你…
才發現原來你從未離開過…

曾經覺得你對我也有好感…
原來只不過是我自作多情…

或許有一天我能徹底忘了…
有一天一切已經不重要了…

直至那一天你都不會知道…
有那麽一個我曾經喜歡你…

這樣的距離或許是最好的…
不用去改變也不用去害怕…

讓我一個人去承擔那些痛…
不會因我而讓你感到困擾…

永遠也別再去觸碰它…
讓它成爲我青春裏一些些回憶吧…

=========

奇怪，哭過，傷心過的我，看得更開了嗎？
怎覺得一切已經不重要了…
或許是真的累了，怎樣都無所謂了…
也可能，我的心已冷了，灰了，死了…

去期待，去等待，去希望，換來的也只是傷痕…
對自己好一點吧，我是這樣告訴我自己…
別再為一個從不回頭看你的人，傷心難過了…
或許他值得，但這只不過是在對自己殘忍…

奇怪，哭過，傷心過的我，天空變得特別晴…
覺得心情輕鬆了很多…
不再希望和你更靠近一點…
不再害怕從此看不到你，聼不倒你…

我想我是真的下定了決心…
把你忘了…
就算是代表，從此離開你的世界…

或許我會難過，或許我會哭泣…
但能擁有這些回憶，真的就足夠了…

如果，我真的離開了，你還會看見我嗎？
還是，你根本不會發現，我已離開了呢？

=========

在上班的時候寫的…
沒東西做還真是痛苦！
竟然Emo起來~
其實也不算Emo吧？
因爲些的時候，我並沒有感到難過…
心情還真的滿輕鬆的 …

End

Added at 11pm:

Asked if there is anyone wanna accompany me to kittylab on fb...
Didn't expect anyone to reply, except mich =X
To my surprise...............
My cousin replied me! asking me to tag along with her and her bf~~
OMG, im sooo the surprised......
She is my paternal side de relative, those who meet only during chinese new year, wedding.. and nothing else....
Even if meet, also maybe never talk at all...

Undescribable feeling...
Nothing bad at all......
Is a super pleasant surprise...
開心、感動，
怎説呢，
還真找不到形容次呢…

原來，我一直都不是一個人的…

=========

Before I start, wanna share thsi small incident with you.

Colleague: So, where you studied previously?
Me: Ngee Ann
Colleague: Oh really? Then I'm 12 years your senior, I'm from ECE. You?
Me: Business Studies
Colleague: Oh! Canteen 1 right?
Me: Canteen 1 is gone this year...

Seems like Canteen 1 is Ngee Ann's common language? No matter which faculty
But well, it is gonna be demolished.

人生就是如此，真的，沒有所謂的永恒嗎？

=====

窗外的天氣
就像是 你多變的表情

下雨了
雨陪我哭泣
看不清
我也不想看清

離開你 我安靜的抽離
不忍揭曉的劇情
我的淚流在心理
學會放棄

聽雨的聲音
一滴滴清晰
你的呼吸像雨滴參入我的愛裏
希望雨能下不停

讓想念繼續
讓愛變透明
我愛上給我勇氣的 Rainie Love

久違的雨滴
一滴滴累積
屋内的濕氣像儲存愛你的記憶
真希望雨能下不停

雨愛的秘密
能一直延續
我相信 我將會看到
彩虹的美麗

===

很喜歡這個詞，歌名叫 [雨愛]
海派甜心的片尾曲， Rainie唱的…

謝謝小豬，把達浪詮釋得那麼好…
讓我在那1小時多裏，真的忘了哭泣…
小豬的表情好逗哦！！！

原來，看喜劇，能讓人暫時忘了心中的一切…

值得看的一部片~
Rainie也和以往的好人好到不行的角色不一樣…

First time completing an online shopping through a person whom i don't know..
Got the parcel's number and checked on the status.
Cool!!!
Excited!!
In this parcel = me and mel's clothes. ss one still not here yet.
Tomorrow's flight~ woohooo! (How i wish I'm the parcel, can take air planeee)

真愛存在嗎？

4年前的某一天…
我開始問我自己…

就算結婚20幾年…
也能以離婚收場…
就算沒離婚好了…
心卻早已分開了…

愛情，就真的如此脆弱嗎？

沒有，所謂永恒的愛情嗎？

但在街上，
卻能看到白了頭髮的他們，
手牽著手，
這畫面總會讓我會心一笑…

原來，真愛真的可以持久…

或許，永恒的真愛，
存在著，在某個角落…
等待著，有心人發現…

或許，有心人也不一定會發現…

冥冥中注定的…

雖然不像受紫薇斗數的影響，
但我還是忍不住去想，
當問到愛情的時候，
那人爲什麽猶豫了…


=======

PS:
照他們説的，有心的人再遠也會來，

所以決定了Chalet就開在Aloha Changi去…

別來問我爲什麼那麼遠，因爲真的沒地方了…

不會去擔心沒有人來，
因爲，真正的朋友，會用心到達那地方…

也不錯，在Ulu一點的地方…
就乘這個機會，看看誰是那些有心的吧~~

但我真的很怕 >.< … 那地方…
所以請陪我Stay over的人，多多指教！

"hello! I'm pei shan from xxx... we are having a XXX seminar nxt friday, Just wondering if you would be interested in joining us..."

"Actually, I have already emailed you. Not sure if you have received it. Please give me your email in case I sent it wrongly"

Yesh! I have repeated this for more than 100 times in just 1 1/2 days. (Unknowing... was shocked when i give it a count....)
My colleagues sitting beside me commented that they are able to memorize my sentence already.

I NEED A RECORDER PLEASE...........

That's my job scope these 2 days -- Making cold calls.

Have step out of the mundane researching task.

and now, another mundane job.

Baka me.. I said Kinokuniya again.

Shall see will i say "pei shan from spring" during this coming weekends.
I will, i guess.. especially after calling them sooo many times.

At least.. I'm able to do my own things while calling...
FB-ing CS-ing..
Much better than researchinggg..

Please call me a telemarketer temporary... ^^VV

PS: An advice from me.. Don't work in 2 companies that will require to make alot of phone calls.. to prevent 精神错乱

Wonder why did i not blog for so long?
Life is getting more boring each day.
Nothing much happend this week. Not as happening as before..
Nothing to be moody about since those emo-ness have left me last week...
Well, at least I'm not drawing circles now..
Just thought that I don't have much time for myself..
Work after work.......
I wan a break..

Randomly.... I did 30 times of "incorrect sit-ups" yet i can still feel my stomach muscle aching!!
zZZzZzzzzZZZzzZ -_-||||||||||||||||

I just simply loves Thursday!!~
(1) Guitar lesson is always fun!
(2) 1 more day to weekend!! woohoo!

今天的星期四很不一樣…
因爲LM今天提議去看了500 days of summer...
自己也還蠻想看的，所以沒意見…
告訴LW我們要準時下課 （當然，也叫了他一起去看）

然後9.20分的戯，
匆匆趕過去了，上好廁所，買好爆米花，9.25...
好，我們遲到了…
匆匆進入了電影院…


(P.S. 用Blog的Application畫的，所以不是 很完美）

藍色部分是去Bugis 3 的 pathway...
如果，你看到這個的畫面，然後那門是上鎖的，你會自動走到pathway去對吧？
就因爲這樣，我們進錯了電影院！！

一進去就開始了，我們在奇怪，怎那麽快開始，因爲9.20pm的戯，9.25pm就已開始一點了…
以爲是真的沒廣告，不虞有他，我們繼續看…
第一個畫面！血心！！我天！ 500 days不是PG嗎？怎會那麽血心！！
配樂也是一貫的緊張氣氛，沒有輕鬆的感覺…
怪怪的…

坐在我們前後的人一定覺得我們很蠢！
因爲我麽一直在討論我們到底是對還是錯，差不多40分鐘了，才肯定我們是錯的…

問題就是LW比我們晚進去，他也進了和我們一樣的theatre!!
恐怖的巧合…
如果他沒進錯的話，我們就會發現了 >.<
問題又是，LW有問檢票員，是不是這一間，他說是，LW才走進來的…
天啊！！

更恐怖的是！！
我們走進的Bugis 3,播映的是恐怖片！還是NC16!!
啊！！第一個畫面就血淋淋，我要吐了（而且我在吃爆米花！）
噁心！！
好在後面噁心的畫面，我在看GPRS，沒看到。不然我會吐死！

奇怪的是，Bugis 2, 9,20pm場。 Bugis 3, 9.10pm 場。
但Bugis 2的門已關上，Bugis 3的卻還開著…
Now seating lights for bugis 2 is also not blinking, but it is still blinking for bugis 3...

就這樣，我們被誤導了…

看了前面的恐怖片，和後面的500 days of summer…
很好！
6塊就這樣浪費了！

我們真的是…
笨的可以！

但我還不懂爲什麽;，我們明明在不同時間進去，卻犯了同一個錯誤！
是我們的問題？還是是Shaw的問題？？

謝謝LW的Curry Puff..
但我不知道Bugis的Old Chang Kee Curry Puff 爲什麽那麽辣…
要是，我生日，你們給這個，我肯定挂~
Bugis 的 Curry Puff，我暫時不會去吃你了…
哈哈！

笨慘了！
蠢慘了！
臉丟慘了！

Wednesday
Went movie with Mixue yesterday and watched April Bride...
A Slow slow movie i would comment.
Too slow that you are able to fall asleep.
I would not say it's super touching, maybe it is the actor's problem.
看到他哭，我不覺得感動也不覺得難過，反而起了雞皮疙瘩~ Aiyerrrrrrrr!

但看著他對於得了乳癌的女友不離不棄的樣子，不禁想，好男人真的絕種了嗎？
就算知道她剩下不到一個月的生命，仍給了她承諾，給了她一場婚禮…
原來，愛可以如此偉大…

但故事説的不只是他的偉大愛情…
也説著千里的勇敢…
勇敢面對病魔，沒有退縮，沒有逃避…
我真的很佩服她…

因爲他的真愛、她的勇敢、她們的友情、他們的愛情…
千里得以在剩下的一個月，過得如此幸福…

但現實，總是殘酷的…

簡單的故事，簡單的場景，簡單的對話，造就了簡單的幸福…




See this!! Caught by.................... an uncle...
We were like WOW when we saw him catching quite afew..
Then he offered to help me catch within 10 dollars.. and guess what?!
He did it in 3 trys! But cost 5 dollars, cos the 1st 2 trys kinda wasted for the lady did not put the kitty in good position...
He asked me if I want another one.. actually, i want...
But it's like, not caught by yourself, or your friends, the feel is not there...
So i rejected..
But uncle, really... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

So happy!!~~~ I love that very much.. the "hat" can move when i shake it..
(For those who saw me playing with mel's dog plush toy before, the hat can move like the dog's head =X)

If only.............................. is a guy who catch it for me >.< (NOT UNCLE!!)
Always saw BFs catching for GFs, envyyyyyyyy >.<...


Tuesday
Went Gelare with Mel and Viv..
In the end, only me and mel ate..
We shared a waffle with 2 scoops (Choco overload & Cappucino...
Half price mah!)
Cappucino don't taste like cappucino though >.<..



Talked quite alot..
Had fun!!!

Then later "sent" mel to woodlands with viv,
and changed to circle line at Bishan..
By the time i reached Sengkang, it was about the time I reach when I'm working Afternoon shift..
So i was looking out for Ah siew and i really saw her!
Haha!!~



Picture~ the Quizonos (Don't know the exact spelling)
Alot of Vege right? I didn't manage to finish them all, as it keep falling out~
Tomato given to mel..
So I'm still left with cabbage? lettuce? Erhx... forget what they are called.
Anyway, it's nice!!

Killing me...
Sunday ate 1 panadol and I just had another.
I know it is bad for health.. It's unbearable...

And it is here again...
The headaches seems be my best friend...
Should cut down on Panadols..

Had the nice vegetarian food yesterday again!
Drag dad to bring me there..^^V (Free expensive vegetarian food)
Yum Yum, but sad.. there is no Yam Ring for the day >.<

Ohya, on Sunday..
I typed in the password for one of the company's com. (KINO's)..
Then it went sleep mode again..
But i just can't seem to enter the right password again!
It was scary..
No matter how i typed, it just don't come out right.
Within 1 hr and I had totally forget about the password.
Scary...

What if 1 day, my memory just disappeared?

Nothing much to blog about,
just happened to be too bored and feel like writing something..

Thinking of going to (however u spell it) or wear contacts..
hMMmmMM.........start to 愛美了... i guess?

To Michelle & Siew: Thanks for always being there to hear my )(*(&$#$*#... ^^V
I'll be fine... Just need some ways to let out that discomfort feeling in me..
Arigatou!! ^^V

And i dun wan kiwiiii i wan honey dew! ^^V

我又讓淚水自由地在我臉頰奔馳…

我不知道是怨氣，是累了…
還是單純地想發洩堆積在心理的某分情感 （我不知道是什麽）
只想哭，好好地哭…

淚水就這樣一直一直流…
但我並沒有比較好過…
因爲我找不到淚水的源頭…
找不到哭得理由…

我真的，只知道，悶在心理的感受，
痛苦得快讓我喘不過氣…
我只能用哭來釋放…
用歡笑來忘記…

真的很辛苦…
爲什麽我還在硬撐？？

Was reading Blood Type A characteristics on Sat, though I'm not 100% A, I might be AB or B...
But I always thought I'm an A..

There is this sentence saying..
If no clear rules are given, Blood Type A will find it difficult to work....

That's absolutely true!! Only then i realised, what is all my frustration about in the past 1 mth...
And that's y I'm feeling super fustrated as there is no boundaries, no clear rules to everything I'm doing now..

I'm like a headless bee, researching for the sake of researching, not getting anything right.
I'm like a clueless kid, seeing the whole chunk of claims, don't know if I'm checking the right things..

Just assure that I'm right..
Just give me clear format to follow.....
I don't need any freedom on work..

Just and Just........

I just wan to know, what am I suppose to do!!!!!!!!

I feel like shouting, shouting my heart out, shouting my stress out..

But I can't..

All i can do is, let my tears flow... hoping to feel better..

But the accumulated stress and frustration （or whatever the feeling should be).... it just seem to be too much and too great to be release out of my body just by a few stream of tears...

Why am I wasting so much of tears?

Why

Why

Why.............

那感覺又消失了…
感覺真像是在感冒…
來了又去，去了又來…
一場無法痊愈的感冒…

到底…
那是感覺還是錯覺？
我早已分不清楚了…
消失了，再次消失了…
我們又回到了原點…

我還會回到這陰霾裏嗎？
雖然我希望不會…

人都是適應力特強的動物…
漸漸地，習慣了這感覺…
漸漸地，我開始不去期待、不去等待、不去奢望…
漸漸地，淚水又快干掉了…

或許我們早已錯過了…
但一切…
已經不重要了…

真的… 不重要了…